Before the Test—
—The Mind Wanders


by Marianne Miles


I used Body Shop mango shower gel this morning because Peter said it smelt amazing and tasted sweet. Hopefully it will be similarly received by the inevitably grumpy nurse. Obviously I hope she doesn't taste it, but this experience doesn't have to be bad for the both of us. It’s crazy hot today, almost 30 degrees: I thought the walk would be great but I’ve been sweating between my thighs for the past 25 minutes. I’ll just mop it up with my dress no one will notice, hopefully it’ll dry before I'm called.  I won’t sit, i’ll stand while I wait and sway that might work.

Did I shave? Yes, yes,  I did, last night. I should be smooth for the next 48 hours at least. I wonder what Peter’s doing tonight?  No, stop. I said I wouldn’t rebound again after the last time. Though he does have those incredible hips, and a masterful…

What happened to the new leaf you’re supposed to be turning over? Fresh start, clean slate no more messiness.  You can be sexless for a while until you find a credible partner it won’t kill you, maybe six months, or three. It’s like a having a vagina detox and this part is the MOT. The tune up.

I have the new frilly pink lace ones on today, I’ll take them off real slow and display them on the chair to show them off a bit, or should I just hold them in my hand?  Wait, why am I taking them off slowly, I’m not trying to seduce the damn nurse. Why did I wear such sexy underwear for this? Plain black is way more professional. I should go home and change real quick.  Pink lace undies for a clinic appointment, who the fuck does that? Oh gosh, they’ve just called me in. I wish they wouldn’t shout my whole government name, they should give out numbers for such personal matters.

Grumpy nurse is pretty, long nails though. Too long for this job.  She may appreciate my pink lace, she has on pink satin shoes, very nice.  Oh shit, my undies fell on the dirty floor. Is she going to pick them up?  “They’ll be ok”  What? No they won’t, I have to wear those all the way home, and they smell like mangos they’ll attract ants! The ceiling is filthy, is that a cobweb? Yuck. What if it falls on me when I'm spread open?  “Just relax, take a deep breath”  Relax? Ants are about to eat my underwear and a family of spiders are plotting to jump inside my vagina, how can I relax?  This was such a bad idea, this is why I’ve put it off all these years, nothing good can happen during a smear test. What is going on down there?  All that scratching & scraping, has she found something abnormal? “Is everything ok?” “Yes, just relax, it’ll be over in a minute”  Feels like an hour already.  

Illustration by Mary Slattery /    @total_sicko

Illustration by Mary Slattery / @total_sicko

I’m never having sex again.  I don't want anyone near me after this.  I don't remember it taking this long last time.  It wasn't painful though, isn’t it supposed to be?  Does that make me loose? Am I that old? I haven’t had enough partners to be loose.  Six, Twelve maybe. They have all been quite big though. I bet they’ve damaged me forever whilst their penises remain intact ready to destroy another hole.  I am definitely never having sex again.

“Ok all finished.  You’ll get your results in three weeks.”

21 days to find out whether my damaged vagina is also diseased beyond repair. I’m gonna grab the rest of my ant-eaten frilly pink lace knickers, and get TF out of here.